Fun times

Important disclaimer: I write this post while trying to be sensitive to anyone who feels in any way, shape, or form the overwhelming pressures and disappointments that are often associated with fertility and pregnancy. I am very thankful that Ryan and I are even able to sustain a pregnancy. And regardless of the small obstacles that I have gone through I am very grateful to have been given the opporunity at this time to carry this sweet baby girl.

With that said, I'd like to briefly describe some "fun times" I've had being pregnant. And by "fun times" I mean embarassing, confusing, and just funny. It is all too often that I hear other women say things like, "Being pregnant is the best" and my personal favorite, "If I had a choice, I'd be pregnant my entire life." But! I am beginning to understand that no two pregnancies are the same and that my pregnancy is pretty mild compared to some. Here are some small-scale examples of the "fun times" I've had thus far:

8 weeks pregnant: 1:00a - wake up with severe hunger pangs. Like if I don't eat a bowl of cereal, a banana, some yogurt, three slices of cheese, and another bowl of cereal then I possibly might die. 3:00a - happens again. Change up the cereal, grab some more cheese, and scarf a Nutrigrain bar to be safe. 5:00a... what's happening here? This must be twins. 7:00a - lets just stay awake - eat a bowl of oatmeal and tell my stomach to calm the heck down. This night marked a pattern for every night to follow. Positive: our pantry has a better stash of food then ever before.

7 and 9 weeks (ish) pregnant: ER visit #1 and ER visit #2. Vomiting, IVs, dehydration. Free cable, hospital gowns, and ice chips. Boring, scary, and tiresome. Positive: walked away with a free pair of hospital socks.

14 weeks pregnant: Waited an entire week for the magical second trimester "energy and appetite" to kick in. Shoutout to all those women who suggested the following weeks to be the game changer... week 16, week 19, week 22... the list goes on. You were kind to suggest a hopeful future. Positive: Ryan's been doing the dishes and laundry for me. Nice boy.

20 weeks pregnant: Gender ultrasound + anatomy measurements. Can't find heart and spine measurements. The third and final ultrasound took place at a specialist office where I was told they'd "hang me from the ceiling" if they had to. Positive: baby is not a jelly fish.

23 weeks pregnant: Thought I had a heart attack/allergic reaction to my third presciption of nausea medication but really it was just a possible weird acid reflux/muscle spasm. Played it safe and went to my doctor. Found out I have a heart murmer explaining why I'm so out of breath all the time. Been referred to a cardiologist. Developed some serious feet swelling symptoms as well as beautiful purple lines on my thighs. Positive: can now say things like "you're making my heart murmer".

Today: Sneezed and wet my pants this morning. I thought this didn't actually happen to real people. I think I'm a real person and I know it happened to me. Had to change my clothes. Threw up in Costa Vida - didn't even make it to the bathroom. Luckily, no one was around. Ended the day with my favorite drug... a sepository. Very exciting. Positive: makes for a really good story.

So needless to say my "fun" experiences have led to me evaluate pregnancy on a different level. And in all honesty, I have very much enjoyed the simple joys such as feeling the baby move and wearing stretchy pants.

So here's to another "fun" and exciting 16 weeks!

To Be Determined

Time for an update? Ok, I give.

1.) I've been asked to be my ward Girl's Camp director this year. One might wonder what goes in to planning something like this - I have yet to figure that out. But I do know that the overall opinion of this church calling is one-sided. I've gotten a lot of comments like "good luck!" and "so glad it's not my job" and "barf". But I can honestly say that I am excited to work with the girls in my ward (all 55 to be exact) and have enjoyed it thus far. Time to brush up on my hand clapping games and camp fire songs.

2.) Ryan was given a work assignment in Argentina that spanned from the end of January to the beginning of March. The time went by surprisingly fast. However, I wasn't too enthused when I heard he'd go back after a two week stay in Arizona. End of story, he never went back and we're not moving to Argentina. But we dreamed about it for a small moment, all the while romanticizing that we'd swim in exotic beaches and breed children with dual citizenship. Ryan really enjoyed re-visiting where he served his mission and doing it for free!

3.) Only one week after Ryan left for South America I found out I was with child. It was an overwhelming discovery and has been quite the experience ever since. I'm sure you could picture it all in your head...

I've spent all day at an HR meeting in Scottsdale and, after texting prompts from Ryan, decided to take a pregnancy test. It was only a few days earlier that I tested negative. BUT I had an extra test and thought "why not?" (also, I hoard pregnancy tests like food storage and have been known to test... just for fun). So I tested. And it was positive. And I fell off the toilet. And cried and prayed and yelled. And then I Skyped Ryan. And we cried like babies together.

Anyway, pregnancy (for me) has been rocky but exciting. I've had a few scares and visited the ER twice. But the more pregnant you are the more you realize it could always be worse and that it is all worth it. I'm 17 weeks today and will find out baby's gender next week. No maternal instinct on what it could be... I'm prepared to be surprised :) I guess it's a 50/50 chance either way, right?

4.) Admist Argentina and pregnancy I decided to step down from my position as manager at Life Time. And it's been a great decision. I work part time and admit that I enjoy my days and weeks more and more. I feel healthier and my stress levels have gone down. Honestly, I miss aspects of my job but am confident that health takes priority.

Ok that's all (I think)! Ryan's youngest brother just got married and my older brother just finished his first year of law school. We're enjoying time with family. And we're learning things about house work that we've never before realized. Like how owning a home is an aquired appreciation. No pictures to post but maybe soon. Until next time...

Twenty-something

Oh heck. What have I been doing these last 9 months? I've been right here reading juicy blogs and never once remembering I had one of my own. That's the Terrible, Awful that I know you've already figured out. Blogging is not my fav - but since I can't find my journal at the moment this will have to do.

I was in Young Women's today (my church's youth program for girls) and was asked by another leader if I had yet graduated high school. I know it's a compliment and I thank her for it. I've just seemed to have confused an awful lot of people lately with my strikingly young appearance. It's no secret that I'm only twenty-something (3) and still look like a pubescent tween. Which is fine except when I'm entering a club or a bar and everyone thinks I've got a fake ID. I've actually never been in that kind of a situation but I can only IMAGINE the frustration that I would encounter. So as my age appears to muddle its way into the twenties I find myself second-guessing my every decision. Is that healthy? Will I regret this? Will Ryan regret this?

Church was good today and helped clarify my anxiety over some of life's dilemmas. I re-learned about faith and how sometimes I just need to be obedient. It's unfortunate, but I find that all too often I compare myself to other twenty-somethings and begin to worry about my eternal progression. Will I be judged on how I never can make my bed (ever) and how I can run no further than a mile (on a good day)? Or how we got ourselves a dog but were terrible owners and gave him away after 3 weeks? Or how the month before graduation I decided I don't want to study Sociology anymore?

There's a reason I don't blog weekly or Facebook blast daily... But even though I'm not pregnant with sextuplets, can't manage my credit card, and kill all my gifted plants I am still trying to accomplish it all (except not sextuplets, please). Faith is one of the greatest truths behind my religion and I am very grateful to be told again and again... endure to the very end. Keep trying to be obedient and keep trying to have faith that it will all work out. Somehow that just makes me feel better, day in and day out.

This twenty3 year-old may be lacking in some areas but understands that finding joy is what life is all about. I'm just grateful that I have help along the way to remember it all. (And individuals who tell me I look like a dashing 15 year-old).

Enter Title Here.

I have completely fallen out of love with blogging. I feel so unmotivated to write fancy and detailed posts about my over-dramatized life. To keep up with blogger is like keeping up with my laundry. I'm just bad at it. Because who wants to read a blog that isn't disgustingly witty or charming? I don't. So I understand your wanting to click on another blog link. Probably someone whose current post has a better title than mine...

I have senioritis! I'm really antsy to graduate in December. Fun fact: Ryan graduates in December, too. It'll be a family affair. I anticipate receiving my diploma on-the-go, and then running to his ceremony with my blow horn/torch. Too bad I can't just forgo all of my current class work to relish in the thought of grad school applications...

Oh, what? Grad school? Yeah, it's been on my mind constantly. I'm planning on applying to ASU's Marriage and Family Therapy program. But first things first... find an internship. One that isn't in downtown Phoenix and one that isn't boring. Next step, get graduation pictures taken. Then plan loads of self-indulging parties. Won't life be glorious?

What are the chances he'll come see me graduate? Expect an invite, Mr. President!

"It'll be the social event of the season," J-Lo.

Now you REALLY want to look at somebody else's blog...

And we're happy.

Had a great Thanksgiving!
Looking forward to this cool weather and (yummy) treats.
I hope someday to have better family pictures taken.
But for now, this is our holiday greeting card... we're alive and well!

The Best is Yet to Come.

It has been over the course of the last two and half weeks that I have struggled with being believing. Believing in myself, in this pregnancy, and in miracles. It is unfortunate to admit but sometimes I let fear drive my thoughts and faith take the back seat.

After our first ultrasound, we were able to finally believe that this baby was real. We could hear baby's heart and see baby's body, and the connection between child to parent grew deeper within us both. The nurse practitioner then delivered very scary news about the stability of baby's health. Through the first 8 1/2 weeks of pregnancy the little tadpole developed pericardial effusion, a condition in which abnormal amounts of fluid surround the heart, ultimately creating a problem with potential growth. What felt like a huge devastation turned into a huge blessing. After much encouragement from my husband and family, we prayed day and night for this baby. We knew miracles were possible. After all the Savior raised Lazarus from the dead and gave the blind man sight. Could He not heal my baby? I believed He would.

What seemed like the longest week of our lives finally ended with a follow-up ultrasound. My nerves were uncontrollable, and I played through all possible scenarios of what could happen. My worst fears were confirmed: no heart beat. Baby had passed, sometime within a short day of our first ultrasound. Yet because we both knew the possibilities it came as less of a shock. Still a huge blow. My baby wasn't healed and I was sad.

Because the baby was at no position of dropping on its own, we could choose between a. waiting out the miscarriage or b. having a D&C. Both sounded awful. I was given a blessing and continued to pray. While at school and work my prayers were constant. We felt that the best option was to have the surgery. So that's what I did yesterday afternoon at the hospital. After I woke up from the anesthesia I began crying, maybe because I was drugged up or maybe because I was sad it was all finally over.

It wasn't until I lay in the hospital bed yesterday that I finally felt a sense of peace come over me. My baby wasn't supposed to be healed. And I am beginning to understand that more fully. This experience was for our good, for my good. And miracles do happen. Surgery went well. Recovery has been wonderful. And the understanding of my Savior's love has deepened. He is now healing me.

How could I have managed to experience life's hiccups without the Gospel of Jesus Christ? The Savior is in all things and my plan has become more clear. I look forward to what's ahead for our family! For we will never be left alone... Thank you to all those who prayed for us. We really felt your prayers and were blessed by the added strength.

"We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and the best is yet to come," Elder L. Tom Perry

The best IS yet to come! I cannot wait.

October brings good things!

What a fabulous time of the year this is! I just celebrated my 22nd birthday and loved it. Ryan surprised me with a trip to Scottsdale. I've been dying to go on vacation for a while (mainly because I love hotels) and my wish came true! We called this trip our "babymoon". (thebump.com told us having a babymoon would ease the pregnancy. I like to believe that that's true.)

Yesterday my parents did a big birthday dinner for both my dad and myself. I truly love that our birthdays are so close! Happy Birthday (today) Dad! You're looking younger by the minute. I played hookie from school today because I felt too tired. And my stomach hurt. With working 25 hours a week and going to school full-time I feel like this baby turns my body off really fast. Tadpole = 1, Caraline = 0.

We had our first ultra-sound on the 22nd and heard the baby's heart beat! What a neat experience. Because our baby has a heart complication we're going back for a follow-up ultra-sound this coming Monday. Ryan and I are confident that this little baby will be fine. But oh the stress it can bring when you carry a baby! Wish us luck on Monday.

I hope you all had a lovely October and enjoy your Halloween!
(Oh- and Happy Birthday to Joelle this weekend :))