Friday, November 5, 2010

The Best is Yet to Come.

It has been over the course of the last two and half weeks that I have struggled with being believing. Believing in myself, in this pregnancy, and in miracles. It is unfortunate to admit but sometimes I let fear drive my thoughts and faith take the back seat.

After our first ultrasound, we were able to finally believe that this baby was real. We could hear baby's heart and see baby's body, and the connection between child to parent grew deeper within us both. The nurse practitioner then delivered very scary news about the stability of baby's health. Through the first 8 1/2 weeks of pregnancy the little tadpole developed pericardial effusion, a condition in which abnormal amounts of fluid surround the heart, ultimately creating a problem with potential growth. What felt like a huge devastation turned into a huge blessing. After much encouragement from my husband and family, we prayed day and night for this baby. We knew miracles were possible. After all the Savior raised Lazarus from the dead and gave the blind man sight. Could He not heal my baby? I believed He would.

What seemed like the longest week of our lives finally ended with a follow-up ultrasound. My nerves were uncontrollable, and I played through all possible scenarios of what could happen. My worst fears were confirmed: no heart beat. Baby had passed, sometime within a short day of our first ultrasound. Yet because we both knew the possibilities it came as less of a shock. Still a huge blow. My baby wasn't healed and I was sad.

Because the baby was at no position of dropping on its own, we could choose between a. waiting out the miscarriage or b. having a D&C. Both sounded awful. I was given a blessing and continued to pray. While at school and work my prayers were constant. We felt that the best option was to have the surgery. So that's what I did yesterday afternoon at the hospital. After I woke up from the anesthesia I began crying, maybe because I was drugged up or maybe because I was sad it was all finally over.

It wasn't until I lay in the hospital bed yesterday that I finally felt a sense of peace come over me. My baby wasn't supposed to be healed. And I am beginning to understand that more fully. This experience was for our good, for my good. And miracles do happen. Surgery went well. Recovery has been wonderful. And the understanding of my Savior's love has deepened. He is now healing me.

How could I have managed to experience life's hiccups without the Gospel of Jesus Christ? The Savior is in all things and my plan has become more clear. I look forward to what's ahead for our family! For we will never be left alone... Thank you to all those who prayed for us. We really felt your prayers and were blessed by the added strength.

"We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and the best is yet to come," Elder L. Tom Perry

The best IS yet to come! I cannot wait.

10 comments:

Angela said...

Caraline, you are amazing. And you are right...the best is yet to come. I love you beyond words...for always.

Tanner and Lisa Williams said...

Caraline, I cried reading this. I love you and Ryan both so much. I am sorry for what happened but I know someday we will be able to find out all of lifes mysteries. I am too grateful beyond anything for the gospel and the HOPE and FAITH it brings to my life. Thanks for sharing your personal story and testimony. Love you!
Lisa

Lindsey and Brett said...

You see why I say that you and Ryan are the "perfect, mormony ones" in the family? It's because you're so... good. :) I'm sorry you lost your little pea pod, but I'm happy that you have found peace with it. The blessings of motherhood will come your way one day!

Sherri Romney said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. Jacob and I went thru that with our first pregnancy as well. We lost our little one at around 6 weeks. Even as early as that is, an attachment has formed. We never even heard a heartbeat. I love your attitude about this. You really are an inspiration to me with your positive outlook and your ability to let your faith overule your fears. You are a strong little family and I love you girl. Reading this brought back a lot of emotions that I have hidden somewhere in the back of my heart. Sometimes it is good to have a good cry. My prayers and thoughts are with you and Ryan right now. Love Sherri

Mallory said...

I know I don't know you that well. But I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. Your testimony was beautiful and I love that you say the best is yet to come and the outlook you have. Through the struggles motherhood awaits you. Thank you for sharing. Much love.

Erin said...

oh gosh. I cried all over just reading this. You have such a good outlook, and that is why you are such an amazing woman, and will be an amazing mom!!!! IT's true, the best is yet to come...and when it does...it will be 20x better!!! I hope you know how much I LOVE YOU!

Kristen said...

We love you guys! The best really is to come! Hang in there!

Jenn -- said...

Caraline,
I got your last text. I miss you too! I thought about you all weekend. Email me when you have time.

Love you!

Anna P. said...

XOXOXOXOXO

Amber said...

Ahh this is so sad! I got all choked up reading. :[ The best really is yet to come! Your sweet baby just wasn't ready to let go of Heavenly Fathers arms yet and it's okay! You will be with them one day. Ps. Let's all get together sometime soon!